What About Socialization?
Are you wondering...
"How DO Kids Who Don't Go to School Find Friends?"
This question surfaces on social media and I'm happy to put your minds at ease.
Kids who don't go to school don't have trouble finding friends.
- Homeschooled kids make friends based upon shared interests.
- Homeschooled kids are not limited to friends who share their same birth year.
- Homeschooled kids can play with other kids at any time or day of the week.
- Listen to the Unschooling Mom2Mom Podcast: What About Socialization? (below)
Parents may have to make extra efforts if the family lives rurally or in a really small town.
But unschooling families do it all the time.
Basically, kids make friends the same way adults do - through shared interests.
So if their interests are computer games, they'll have more online friends.
If their interest in theatre or dance, they'll make friends there.
Because we're in this weird Post-Pandemic phase, many of the group activities were put on hold and didn't come back. Parents who CAME to unschooling because of the Covid situation, didn't have the experience of Park days and group outings. And because many of these activities were run by parent volunteers (whose kids enjoyed the activities) - well, those kids have maybe "aged-out," shifting their interests elsewhere.
So we're seeing the newer unschooling families picking up the torch and creating the experiences their kids are looking for.
Possible Group Activities You Could Create:
- Weekly Get-Togethers (Soccer, Park Day, Skate Park)
- Holiday Parties
- Game Day
- Movie Marathon
- Family Camping Trips
- Potlucks
- Debate Clubs
- Homeschool Choir
- Create an Unschool Co-Op*
- Messy Craft Days in your backyard (tie-dye, painting)
- Gymnastics during the school day
- Roller skating during the school day
- Join a local Scout Troop
- Start a Scout Troop for Homeschooled Kids
- See what 4H is offering
- Hiking Club
- Swimming Day/Pool Party
- Dances
- "A Park A Week" Club - exploring parks in your city
- Rent a Bouncy House
- Rent a Video Game Trailer
- Hiring Someone to Teach a Hobby They Want (photography, Improv acting, dog-training, anything!)
- Hire a Science/Magic show - or plan some experiments to do as a group
- Set up a Babysitter/CPR class at the RedCross
- Create Monthly Community Service projects
- Destination Imagination/Odyssey of the Mind
Join a local homeschooling group to participate in some of their community events - and see if any of their families would want to participate in something you set up!
30+ Ways Teens Make Friends
- Online Friends
- Gaming Friends
- Youth Groups
- Sports
- Participate in community theatre
- Movies and Munchies - see a movie, then go out to eat together
- Dance classes
- Craft classes for teens
- Skate Parks
- Comic Shops
- Library groups
- Volunteering
- Fan-Fiction Group
- Go to a poetry Slam
- Scout troops
- Movie Nights
- Game Nights
- Part-Time Jobs
- Adventure Trips
- Summer Camps
- Comicons
- PopCulture Conventions/Conferences
- Technology/Gaming Conferences for teens
- Community/Rec Center Classes (Welding, cooking, painting, photography)
- Civic-minded teens might join the town's youth commission, offering ideas and learning about leadership.
- Civil Air Patrol/Air Cadets
- Band/Musical options
- Community Service Projects
- Unschooling Conferences with Teens
- Zoom Meet-Ups with other Teens
- Internships/Apprenticeships.
*An "Unschool Co-Op" could be whatever you envision! Instead of focusing on academics, maybe it's simply activities that are more fun with more children. Parents with certain skill sets or expertise can lead the group. Other parents would pay to have their kids participate, while some of the costs would go to renting the location.
OR
You could consider your Facebook group the "Unschool Co-Op," where the activities move around to different locations.... perhaps with the day of the week being what's consistent for the group.
Yes, sometimes it takes a little courage for you to step outside your comfort zone.
Why is that the extroverted kids often have introverted parents?
But we do what we have to do, right?
Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation and exchange phone numbers with the parent of a child your kid enjoys playing with.
Odds are, they're looking for the same thing!
Remember, kids seldom care about the style of homeschooling other families use. You don't have to be limited to only unschoolers. Focus on the topic, and find kids who share that interest.
A Few More Tips
- Start a Facebook group to pool ideas with others in your area and see who's kids share your kids' interests. Share posts from local attractions or groups like "365 Things to Do in <town name> with Kids"
- Read Shay's Rules for Operating Within the Homeschooling Community
- Read Unschooling Community: Finding or Building It (also includes Podcast)
- Read What About Socialization? (below)
Unschooling Mom2Mom Podcast:
What About Socialization?
Podcast Transcript:
When I first started on our home education journey the question heard most often was “What about Socialization?” Maybe that was what I worried about most, so that’s the criticism that impacted me the most initially. But that question is still around. Usually you have to dig around to get to the heart of the issue.
When they ask, “What about socialization, are they thinking…
- their child won’t have access to other children and will be lonely?
- their child will be socially awkward when someone talks to them, avoiding eye contact, unaware of how to present themselves
- or maybe they’re worried that your child will be unaware of how to deal with bully situations or how to navigate scenarios like mean kids on a playground.
There are probably more than these, but since I try to keep these posdcasts short, let’s stick with exploring these three.
I’m Sue Patterson and this is the Unschooling Mom2Mom podcast. It’s a different take on podcasts - just a short 5-10 minute Peptalk from me, on one of the topics I’ve heard plaguing Unschoolers over the past 25 years. My kids are all grown now and I want you to know that unschooling really works. Time and time again, this unconventional approach to learning helps kids know who they are, how they learn, and allows the bond between the parents and the children to strengthen. I could go on and on - I just want everyone to experience the benefits of unschooling. So I have courses, guides, membership programs —all designed to help you figure out how you can embrace these ideas too. Reach out if you need help.
But today, the “S” Word - what about Socialization.
Let’s look at that first concern...
Lack of access to other kids.
This... is not realistic. Kids seek each other out - at playgrounds, in dance classes, online. And since unschooled kids are encouraged to dive into their interests, they actually find other children with similar interests. Their friendships come from shared experiences and not desk proximity or sharing the same first letter of their last name. Talk about an arbitrary way to make friends! No wonder you could be close to someone in third grade and then when 4th rolled around, they were nowhere to be found. Desks shifted, lunch periods changed, and that 3rd grade Buddy was soon forgotten. It’s because it was superficial. Friendships for unschooled kids CAN be circumstance-driven like that, but it’s more likely to be a better friendship because they like the same things, they share the same interests.
But there are plenty of kids to be found. Unschooled kids hang out online or in real life with others at all hours of the day and night - when we’re not in a pandemic at all hours of the day. And they have friends who go to school too - maybe joining them in some shared activity during that small window that school kids are available. So the lonely kid scenario isn’t a real issue.
Developing Social Skills
is the next worry people voice. This Awkward Homeschool Kid character has been around for a while - perpetuated in books and TV shows. But here’s the truth about it. Kids pick up their social skills from the people they’re around - so in our unschooling family cases, they’re likely to reflect YOUR social skills.
- What are you modeling for them?
- How do you interact with them?
- How do you interact with other people when they’re nearby?
- Are you friendly? Considerate? Patient with other people?
- Do you make eye contact with others, strive to include people in conversations, listen more than you talk?
We all have things to work on, right? But you don’t learn these skills in a classroom. As a matter of fact, I remember quite clearly being told,
“You’re not here to socialize, Susie!”
Personality has a lot to do with this too. And a huge benefit for unschooling, or even homeschooling families, is that we don’t have to subject our kids to the over-valuing of being an extrovert and the shame that is tossed toward those who are naturally introverted. This is probably worth an entire podcast of its own - because the world needs both introverts and extroverts! One isn’t BETTER than the other. When kids aren’t shoved off to school, they can unfold at the pace and in the places that fit them best.
An Unschooling Guide about Socialization? YES!
Let's dive in deeper with this full color 25-page guide addressing a variety of topics that weave in and out of this question. Including:
- Examining this concept of socialization
- How to help your child develop social skills
- What about community?
- Social benefits of Unschooling
- Making Friends
- And so much more!
Too Soft
Lastly, we have the point about “toughening kids up so they can face the harsh realities of life.” And often this starts on the playground with bullies, right? Or that’s the scenario people point out. They think of home educated kids as little Hot House Plants that wilt under the first sign of pressure or some adverse condition.
Well, there’s actually lots to unpack on this one, if this is your concern.
And my experience is that when parents worry about this particular issue, bullying was happening way before school recess. A lot has been written lately about bullying actually happening in kids’ own homes and that sometimes PARENTS are the first bullies kids have to deal with. And if this was your own experience growing up, you’ll have even more to unpack to break the cycle - and no wonder you’re worried about kids growing up being weak or soft.
What CAN happen in unschooled kids homes, though, is more communication.
Parents can take the opportunity to discuss scenarios that happened and how to problem solve for next time. Because any time you have people getting together - at park days or online or anywhere really - kids will get the opportunity to be bullied, or learn how to stand up to mean kids, or even how to not be a bully themselves! And it’s not a straight path. Learning to navigate these scenarios takes time - lots of trial and error. But our kids get to learn to do this with a helpful adult nearby who (hopefully) has some good suggestions or can brainstorm with them. And they don’t have to endure the dread of facing their classroom bullies every day for hours on end and no relief in sight. Actually, that’s a good recipe for developing some MALADAPTIVE coping strategies. So yes, I’m glad THAT kind of socialization can be avoided!
2020 and the Pandemic gave us the chance to look at socialization from a different perspective.
NO ONE was getting to socialize they way they used to. And families learned to cope in new ways. And if this was your first year to unschool, know that this isn’t how it normally is! While everyone’s introverted kids (and moms!) have found the silver lining, the extroverted among us are pining for more interactions! Pandemic Homeschooling looks nothing like the way unschooling families tap into communities and wind their way through the world. So don’t make the assumption that it always looks like this - it doesn’t!
These three answers to that question “What about Socialization,” are really the tip of the iceberg, so to speak.
If you’d like to dive deeper into the topic I have an Unschooling Guide that can help and a membership group where we talk about issues like this all the time!
I really want to applaud you for taking apart some of these thoughts and doing the internal work to get to the heart of what it will take to be the kind of parent you really want to be. I hope you have a great rest of the week. Reach out if you need help finding any unschooling resources or have ideas for me to talk about in future podcasts. Please consider liking, subscribing and leaving comments - it will help people find out more about unschooling.
Have fun with the kids, and we’ll chat again next week!
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- Maybe YOU could use some friends!
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