Deschooling - But What Do We DO?
Deschooling doesn’t hold our attention for long — especially when fear jumps in and tells us we’re doing it wrong.
But here’s what I’ve learned after nearly 30 years of unschooling:
5 Quick Reasons to Prioritize Deschooling Weekly:
- Old school habits are sneaky — and fear thrives on them.
- Most unschooling struggles actually trace back to incomplete deschooling.
- You’re not just changing methods — you’re undoing decades of conditioning.
- Deschooling improves connection, not just education.
- Your life keeps changing — and so should your lens.
NEW!
Each week, I’ll send you a little email to help you keep moving forward — no guilt, no overwhelm. Just 5–10 minutes to breathe, reflect, and reconnect with this powerful shift you’re making.
Wish you had weekly encouragement from Sue Patterson?
Video Transcript:
I think one of the hardest things to do, when people first leave the school system, is relax into this new way of living with children. We’re so compelled to follow schedules and plans and “what’s next???” that we forget how that isn’t a natural way to approach life. We’re continuing to deschool but we’re wondering - What do we DO?
We’re approaching parenting and educating our children as if we’re in a work setting: Goals, plans, projections. Our own school experience conditioned us to do that, no doubt. But home is not the same as work. It’s hard to shift gears from planning and laying it all out. That feels familiar.
There ARE lots of moving parts, so I’m not saying you don’t need to get organized.
But WHAT you’re organizing is different when you’re unschooling.
And whats challenging about deschooling, is that we're tuning in to the here and now.
The answers to our “What Next?” question... isn’t going to be in a calendar or curriculum.
The only way you’re going to KNOW what to do next. Is consulting that child standing in front of.us
And...another complication: they may not know.
The may have had a lot of school indoctrination, and think you have to help them move in that direction.
They change over time... but if you focus on the basic connections you’ll be able to pivot and do what’s needed. You’ll see what’s needed, and you’ll move in that direction.
Which brings me to the key you need.
Partnering with the kids.
Every family is going to do this differently. Every child and every parent brings personalities and interests, preferences, likes and dislikes. But when you Partner with them... you get access to that information. You get access to information about yourself too that you maybe didn’t realize because you were distracted by checking boxes and doing someone else’s agenda.
Partnering when it comes to parenting has to do with walking alongside our children. It’s moving away from coercion being the motivator - and helping a child learn more about autonomy. Sometimes this is hard because no one did this with us when we were younger. So we’re learning right alongside them. So yes, it will take some self-examing on our parts as we help our kids navigate the path.
A Few Quick Suggestions
...for moving in this direction
Listen More and talk less.
Not only is this a great tool to show our kids to help them learn, but it will give us more access to what’s going on with them So often, we THINK we know what motivated some behavior - but after listening, we see our first guess wasn’t right. Some adults have a habit of talking over the kids - it’s good to notice if this is something you could work on.
Trusting that everyone in the family has important things they'd like to do and say.
We can see on social media how often parents are dismissing our kids wants and needs. Partnering on this parenting path moves us in a different direction. Recognizing that they children in our family deserve to have their wants and needs valued too.
Another aspect of parenting in a partnership way is helping to create an environment where the kids can be successful. Giving them the space and the tools they need to bring an idea to life.
Most of us learned the opposite of this as children. But this might be a good exercise for some of you. See what it’s like to give your kids the last word in the argument.
This is really the bottom line: They love us. And we love them.
And all any of want, is to have the people that love us most, value our interests and listen to us when we talk.
🐔I used to have chickens and guineas when we lived on a ranch. I wanted an excuse to use this guy.
I want us to get practical - what SPECIFICALLY are we supposed to be DOING while we’re deschooling - using this partnership principles?
Play more
Do you need more games? Cards/dice? Fun apps? Chalk, paint, tools to build? Just yesterday, Jackson, my 8yo grandson made this huge thing out of tape and paper and Post-it notes, and all my daughters’ Girl Scout badges that he taped onto notepaper. I think the point was turning it into a kite-like thing with a fan he found in the closet. I think there was some Minecraft connection too. I don’t really know what the point was. But we played with all those materials for a couple of hours.
And yes, there are little pieces all over my bedroom floor. I may NEVER know what all he learned from that.
But that’s not the important part.
Playing - taking an idea and moving it to reality. That's what matters.
It doesn’t always have to be board games. It can be forts out of cushions in the living room.
But if you need help embracing play - if this is something that’s hard for you - it IS for a lot of people - I’ll put some more links to dive deeper. Educational research supports the idea that Playing more is the right path to take for kids to learn.
Read/Listen:
When All They Want to Do is Play
Unschooling and Playtime
Enjoy your time with them.
So often, kids want time with their parents where they're not being instructed or hurried.
This may be a whole new way of approaching daily life with them!
You might be surprised how much easier it is to enjoy the experience when you've dropped a lot of unnecessary expectations.
Don’t be in such a rush that you skip past simply enjoying each other’s company. It can be as simple as a wink from across the room, snuggling next to them when they’re on the couch for a couple of minutes, taking them out for a dipped cone at Dairy Queen - whatever helps them see that you enjoy their company, that you like spending time with them.
Maybe it means saying something like, “tell me more about that...”
Or instead of going to the kitchen to start dinner or going to move the laundry. That little 5 minute interaction will be worth so much more in how your kid feels valued.
We resist, I think because we think it’s going to take a ton of time.
But they don’t need - or probably even want a TON of time from us... just 5 minutes more.
Home Environment: Set for Success!
How can you
make their world sparkle more? Literally or figuratively.
What would make their eyes light up? What would be so fun?
Putting up a tent in the living room?
Grabbing safari gear and putting on Jurassic Park music - or the movie?
Or Jumanji?
I’m ordering a neon sign for my grandson’s room that is a blue and green Among Us sign! He’ll be so excited.
I think when I first started this unschooling journy, I thought I’d sparkle up the subjects so they’d be more fun.
That’s not what I mean.
It’s sparkling up whatever brings them joy. It has zero to do with academics.
So don’t go in that direction. More joy means more connection.
More connection means more information for you so you can know how to add more resources or sparkle to their lives.
The goal is really a Full Rich Life.
Learning will be the byproduct of that - it's inevitable.
And each of us gets to determine how we interpret that - including our kids.
What would THEY consider wonderful?
So what do they enjoy? You may have to spend a lot of time observing them to see their preferences. They may not know what to suggest if you ask them to tell you. But these clues you’ll get from observing them will help you know more about them.
Brainstorm with the Kids
Brainstorm with them about activities they could do
if they're bored.
Wander around the house with them to help them see what their options are.
When we first brought Michael home from school, he didn’t really know what to do with his time. He was so used to someone else (me, primarily) managing his time FOR him. So we went around room by room with a clipboard to see what’s something fun that he could do in his bedroom, or in the living room, or the kitchen, or the back yard, or the garage.
I’m not saying parents have to entertain their kids all day long - but they can help them get started, help them find things they may be overlooking or didn’t even realize they could do without you.
Helping them see all their choices will be empowering for them.
How about brainstorming about what the family can do together?
Do you need a
game night? Or a
Movie Marathon? Maybe Friday nights are good for Mario Kart?
Or learn some new card games?
Maybe a Make-Your-Own-Pizza night where everyone cooks together?
Or listening to an audio book all together with popcorn and hot cocoa - turn it into an event to do as a family.
Maybe you could go to the Unschooling Mom2Mom Pinterest boards for ideas.
I have boards like
- Family Fun Nights
- Cabin Fever Remedies
- Staycation Ideas
- Boards for so many things - If you need ideas, that’s a great place to go!
Out into the Community
Maybe you’ll be venturing beyond the backyard,and out into the community.
What would a tourist like to do? T
hat’s what your kids kind of are - and tey’re not going to know about interesting things that are within driving range, or when cool museums offer discounts, or even farther away. So Go to google and look up "365 Things to do with Kids in..." - whatever your nearest big city is. I’ve seen 365 Things to Do with Kids in Austin or Memphis or Los Angeles. And when you put that in, you’ll get more links that are similar like Crazy Family Adventures or Family Fun in Atlanta.
You have tools to help you be a really great Tour Guide for your kids.
Maybe you’ll be adding in Community Service Projects to do together or Hikes you want to go on.
I have a couple of tools you can use.
Unschooling Mom2Mom on Pinterest and at the blog.
Remember about Googling fun options with your kids.
If you’re in the
membership group, you have access to PDFs I've made to help you with brainstorming.
I’ll put those in our Circle.
If you’re not in the membership, the
Brainstorming Guide is a great tool to help you when you’re brainstorming with the kids, prompt ideas, places to write down their suggestions, even more suggestions from me.
I really recommend that you use this to help you when you’re thinking,
"ok, so we’re not doing academics per se - and we’re deschooling - what ARE we doing instead?"
It will help you shift your focus away from the familiar schoolish approach to... everything... and over to individualizing for your own family. Brainstorming is the next step.
Be sure to hit the subscribe button and the bell to be notified when I put up another video.
I have a lot of ideas that can help you through this deschooling process and figuring out HOW to unschool the kids.
More Unschooling Resources:
