When Dad Is Anti-Unschooling

Sue Patterson

Podcast Transcript


Let's talk a bit about dads who aren't that crazy about unschooling. Sometimes we tend to drag them along begrudgingly. Maybe a little muttering in opposition - or maybe it's a downright

"Are you out of your mind??" 

Maybe dad is anti-unschooling altogether!


And yes, occasionally the dad is pro-unschooling and the mom is dragging her feet. But 90% of the time, it's the mom who likes it and the dad who is resistant. All of the information I've collected for you is applicable either way. But for this, I'm going to go with the majority and talk about reluctant dads.

Let's look at what's going on, and how we can handle it.


They’re his kids too.

First, the obvious acknowledgement: They’re his kids too.
He may have been fine with you taking the lead with regards to child care - but that was when most of the decisions were pretty conventional. But now, you seemed to have veered off the path - and he's not sure what that's all about.

Your Growth Doesn't Match His Growth

You've been reading, researching, absorbing... and he hasn't. You’ve joined groups, read blogs, and frankly you LOVE the idea of unschooling. When you eagerly share what you’ve found, he pokes holes in the idea and is not convinced. You may still be new at all of this. You’re enthusiastic - but not necessarily knowledgeable about all the questions he wants answers to.

And, yes, I know. That can feel disappointing. We want our spouse to be as gung ho about our ideas as we are! Well… I guess that’s another Life Lesson. I’ve been married over 30 years, and I have to tell you, we do not always see eye-to-eye! But we listen to each other. And we find the common ground. And that, of course, is a good starting place.

Because you’ve been exploring all the resources, you’ve conquered some of your own initial fears. He’s not there yet. Remember that when we are fearful, we tend to want to try to control the situation. That’s human nature.

What to Do:


Identify the fears.

Specifically. What is he worried about? Some of his concerns may seem shallow or irrational to you, now that you’re further along. But that’s ok. He is worried about the future of his own offspring! He deserves to be heard. (And isn’t that what all of us want anyway? Just to be heard!)
The workbook in the links will help you get to the bottom of the fears.
[This podcast was originally recorded for membership/subscribers. They received a workbook to dive deeper. It's still available if you'd like to join the membership and have access!]

And you can always come back to me if he wants to know things like:

How will he ever play sports? Maybe that was how he learned about teamwork!
Will he be bullied for being “An Outlier?”
How will he get into college?

Maybe he has other misconceptions that need to be cleared up.


Here’s a tip for Arguing 101
Don’t quickly jump in with your rebuttal.
Give him time to say all of what he has to say.
Then it’s best to be on the same side - not adversaries.

“I agree! I was worried about that too. But I read that...”
“I’ll see what I can find about that and get back to you.”

Remember too, you can always use that concept of

“Let’s try it as an experiment. Not a forever commitment. Let’s see how it goes.”

As he sees kids learning, making friends, enjoying their lives, he may begin to feel better about it all.


Helping to facilitate that kind of connection will go a long way. It will help the kids feel closer to the parent that's gone all day (and vice versa) and it will help the parent engage in interactions that SHOW how bright and curious the kids are.

It all boils down to fear, doesn’t it? ... always.


Look at what you can do to minimize it or throw a little light on it.
Know that lots of unschooling families start out this way - so don't worry that this isn't going to work before you've even begun! Time is going to help you.




Help dad by including him, listening to him. He loves the kids. And he loves you.

It’s worth the time it takes to figure out where the obstacles are and how to get past them.

So hopefully that helps you a little bit.

Do You Need More Support?

At least once a week, I hear from parents whose spouse is not on board with unschooling. Many of these parents are in the Creating Confidence Membership group. It helps to have others around us who can help us figure out how to tackle our own fears AND help our spouse overcome theirs!


The membership group offers weekly group coaching, a private supportive unschooling community, and a membership portal to a library full of resources to help you on your unschooling journey.


The support you need to be successful!


Unschooling Guide: Critics and Naysayers

Sometimes the unschooling critic we're facing is actually our own spouse!

The entire guide will help you learn how to talk with those who aren't seeing eye-to-eye with us about unschooling. But we have a dedicated section in this Unschooling Guide specific for dealing with spouses. You may need a little help digging around to see exactly what he's worried about. Or maybe he needs to hear from other dads who have done this and the kids are grown - or are in the middle of it now, but comfortable and unworried. Blogposts, videos, podcasts, and articles are included.


More about This Unschooling Guide

9/11/21

I know many of you aren't doing FB these days. Our Unschooling Mom2Mom Facebook group is pretty big and we have posts that I want to be sure everyone can see. This was posted recently and might help you too:

Spouses Disliking Unschooling

This is an issue that comes up all too often.

➤ Sometimes the answer is that they need more information.

➤ Sometimes an added layer of power struggle between the parents emerges.

➤ But often, their desire to return to a traditional schooling approach is because you were floundering and they wanted to swoop in and fix things - the only way they know how.


So it’s complicated and nuanced.

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