"But I Want a Checklist!"

Podcast Transcript

Hello, it’s Sue Patterson from Unschooling Mom2Mom Podcast. I’m back with another unschooling pep talk to help you understand more about unschooling, why you might feel a little resistant to it, and some ideas to help you move past your obstacles. Unschooling works - it might take a little reframing on your part, but I’m here to do it with you.

So during a recent group coaching call, we got into a conversation that really stuck with me — about checklists.

You know that satisfying feeling of checking a box? ☑️

We all know it. We were raised in it. It’s how we measured progress, how we earned approval, and how we made sure we were “doing it right.”

But when you step into unschooling, that entire system of validation doesn’t really fit anymore… and that can feel unsettling.

The Search for the Perfect Checklist

What I hear from moms are things like:

“It’s just hard to look creatively at something when you’re distracted because you want to get back to checking a box.”
“All this playtime, it’s not on the ToDo list.”

And I get that.

Because we were raised to believe check boxes equal success — gold stars, completed assignments, permission to relax.

So we became really good “Box Checkers.” We had reasons for it that seemed to make sense:

• Life is busy and checklists help us feel like we’re keeping up.
  
• We’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that we can’t be trusted to just wing it.
  
• We were rewarded for compliance, not creativity. For being productive, not being connected. Nobody valued our connections - they certainly didn’t show up on a checklist.
  
  

So we cling to boxes because they feel like proof — proof we’re doing enough, that our kids are learning, that we haven’t gone off the rails, that we’re not failing.

The Problem — Unschooling Doesn’t Have Boxes.

The Catch: Why We Still Crave Checklists

But here’s the catch: unschooling doesn’t come with boxes to check.
Each family’s days look completely different.

Even if you built your own checklist, it would probably change by next week — maybe even tomorrow — because kids shift interests, life happens, and you evolve too.

And... the reality of it all: Most of us are tired. Parenting is relentless.
Sure, we get bursts of energy, but for the most part we’re running on fumes.

Because of our conditioning, we start thinking,
“If I just had the right checklist, I wouldn’t have to hold everything in my head.”

But then those goalposts keep moving.

Kids change directions. Our energy rarely matches theirs.

So what do we do?
We retreat a little... We start building structure to feel “on track,” or we go searching for one that fits.

But the deeper we get into unschooling, the harder it is to find.

There aren’t curriculum checklists anymore — and that can feel disorienting.

Even the kids’ requests to play can start to feel like distractions from the imaginary checklist we think we should be building.

If we’ve walked away from measuring by standards and subjects, does that mean we’ve walked away from measuring success altogether?
We end up floundering — distracted from the life unfolding right in front of us.

Oh Those Brains of Ours!

And I want to mention, because this is contributing to all the confusion on what our next steps should be:

When things feel chaotic, our brains go into survival mode. They're actually adding obstacles  —  trying to get us back in line, to stay with what’s familiar, to bring us “back to safety.”

They crave something to control — a checklist, a routine, a structure — and it will do whatever it takes to try to win the argument in your head.

🤨 It will point out all the times you relaxed instead of worked on chores.

🤨 It will remind you of how you played on your phone before starting dinner and then time got away from you.
🤨 It will tell you that you don't know enough, so you should read one more research article.
🤨 It will tell you that the kids’ needs are keeping you from that checklist you should be building! 

This inner critic doing it’s own checklist of where we come up short, sabotaging your confidence.
And we can’t hide from that voice in our own head.

It’s not meant to harm us — it’s our brain’s way of saying, “
Come back to what we know.
Come back to the patterns that used to work - or that everyone else is doing.”

Our brains insist,  “A good checklist will save you — from the chaos, from yourself, from distractions.”
But part of us knows that even if we comply and pour our energy into building structure, it won’t last.
We won’t follow it, the kids won’t comply — and then that realization just drains us further.
We just don’t know how to fix all this.

Let's Find Solutions

So we have to recognize that voice for what it is — we are not failures, this is just fear of the unknown.

When we can reframe that, it will help loosen the grip that those fears have on us. It puts a little wiggle room in there, when we can see it and say:

"oh... there it is. That’s what’s happening.

I don’t need to scrap this whole thing, declare myself a bad parent, a flop as an unschooler.

It’s just fear of the unknown. I'm just feeling my way through all this unfamiliar territory."
 

And then... what if instead of checking boxes, we started checking connection points throughout the day?

Asking yourself: “Have I connected with my child today?”

→ Maybe divide your day into blocks — morning, afternoon, evening - and be sure to touch base.

Because those connection points are where the learning shows up — in their questions, their ideas, their moods, their creativity.
That’s your real data. Yes, they’re unpredictable. But when you know that, you’re not blindsided. And it will actually simplify your approach to all of this. 

"I wish people knew they could really grow their confidence unschooling AND make it fit THEIR family - all by joining Sue's Membership group! I'm sooo glad I did that!"

"That's why I've been in the group for YEARS!"
~Creating Confidence Members